I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane With a rabid wolverine in my underwear When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?" "Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?" "Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Al?" I probably would have kept on guessing But about that time we crashed into the truck And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt Finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you thought was just so Important doesn't matter Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space Who kinda looked like Jamie Farr They sucked out my internal organs And they took some polaroids And said I was a darn good sport And as a way of saying thank you They offered to transport me back to Any point in history that I would care to go And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night So I could pay my phone bill on time Just then the floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders started yelling Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you thought was just so Important doesn't matter Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin When I got a nasty papercut And, well, to make a long story short It got infected and I died So now I'm up in heaven with St. Peter By the pearly gates And it's obvious he doesn't like The Nehru jacket that I'm wearing He tells me that they've got a dress code Well, he lets me into heaven anyway But I get the room next to the noisy ice machine For all eternity And every day he runs by screaming Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you used to think was so important Doesn't really matter anymore Because the simple fact remains that Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong Everything you know is wrong

Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man The kind of man you'd never disrespect He stood eight feet tall, wore glasses, and had a third nipple on the back of his neck He ate his own weight in coal, excreted diamonds everyday He could throw you down a flight of stairs, but you still would love him anyway Yeah, you know you'd love him anyway Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France with two flat tires and a missing chain He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry, I'm telling you the man was insane He could rip out your beating heart, and show it to you before you died Everyday he' make the host of Match Game give him a piggyback ride Yeah, two hour piggyback ride, giddy up Gene Ninja warrior, master of disguise He could melt your brain with his laser-beam eyes, Oh yeah Oh yeah He had his own line at the DMV He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee Oh yeah Oh yeah, that was something to see, I tell ya Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion, but he never ever told a soul I've seen the man unhinge his jaw, and swallow a Volkswagen whole He'd bash your face in with a shovel if you didn't treat him like a star You could spit at the wind, or tug at Superman's cape But Lord knows you don't mess around with CNR No, no, no Talkin' about CNR

I eat filet mignon seven times a day My bathtub's filled with Perrier What can I say This is the life I buy a dozen cars when I'm in the mood I hire somebody to chew my food I'm an upwardly mobile dude This is the life They say that money corrupts you But I can't really tell I got the whole world at my feet And I think it's pretty swell I got women lined up outside my door They've been waitin' there since the week before Who could ask for more This is the life You're dead for a real long time You just can't prevent it So if money can't buy happiness I guess I'll have to rent it Yeah, every day I make the front page news No time to pay my dues I got a million pairs of shoes This is the life I got a solid gold Cadillac I make a fortune while I sleep You can tell I'm a living legend Not some ordinary creep No way, I'm the boss, the big cheese Yeah, I got this town on its knobby little knees And I can do just what I please This is the life That's right, I'm the king, number one I buy monographed Kleenex by the ton I pay the bills, I call the shots I grease the palms, I buy the yachts One thing I can guarantee The best things in life, they sure ain't free It's such a thrill just to be me This is the life This is the life

I can't watch this. I can't watch this My my my my TV makes me so bored Makes me say, oh my lord What is this garbage here? Wanna cover my eyes and plug my ears It sucks, and that's no lie It's about as much fun as watching paint dry Lowers my IQ one notch And that's the reason why, uh, I can't watch I told you homeboy... I can't watch this Yeah, nothin' but trash and you know... I can't watch this Poke out my eyes, man... I can't watch this Yo, gimme that remote control... I can't watch this Talkin' 'bout sick shows Tere's America's Funniest Home Videos I can't believe my eyes When I see the kind of stuff that wins first prize Somebody's poor old mom Falls down off the roof, lands right on the lawn Face first on a rake I hear they've got it on the seventeenth take That's funny as a kick in the crotch And that kind of show, uh, I can't watch Yo, I told you... I can't watch this Change the channel now, man... I can't watch this Yo, pass the TV Guide here, sucker... I can't watch this Cosby Show and Rosanne Think I've taken 'bout as much as I can Judge Wopner, oh my You gotta be Rainman to like this guy Thirtysomething is alright If you like hearing yuppies whining all night Can't stand Twin Peaks Wish they'd lynch those donun-eatin' freaks Thos Siskel & Ebert bums Oughta go home and sit on their thumbs That's word because you know... I can't watch this I can't watch this Break it down! Stop! Prime Time! I'm pretty sure I'll be sick If I have to watch another stupid pet trick Or that guy with the real flat hair That goes "woof woof woof" and waves his fist in the air Or those weird talk shows About Transsexual Nazi Eskimos They're rude, crude and vile Just for a minute let's flip down the dial Flip, flip, flip... yeccch, I can't watch this Stop! Cable Time! HBO and Playboy, Showtime and MTV I might like 'em more after my lobotomy Now why did I ever pay for this junk? I hooked up eighty channels and each one stunk Just brainless blood and guts, and mindless T & A It's awful, it's putrid, it's crummy, it's stupid, gonna throw my set away I can't watch this. I can't watch this

Well, hey how ya doin' have a seat have a drink Boy it's good to see you, what can I say? Oh, sorry gotta run we'll get together again Say, what was your name anyway? Well we're working on the problem we'll get back to you soon But don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon For a year maybe longer keep in touch Thanks for dropping by and have a nice day The check's in the mail - (Hey!) you're beautiful Don't ever change (you know what I mean) My girl will call your girl We'll talk, we'll do lunch Or leave a message on my machine So baby won't you sign on the dotted line I'm gonna make your dreams come true The check's in the mail, would I lie to you? Well hey wait a minute what's the matter hold on You want me to fork over the loot? You say you hate my guts you wanna take me to court And you got yourself a lawyer with a three-piece suit? Well I'm proud to say you're not the only critic of mine So if you wanna sue me I'm afraid you're gonna have to wait in line Take a number thanks for calling who loves you baby Don't forget to read the fine print. Oh, trust me! The check's in the mail - Hey! you're beautiful Don't ever change (you know what I mean) Why don't you leave a message with my girl I'll have lunch with your machine So baby won't you sign on the dotted line I'm gonna make your dreams come true The check's in the mail, would I lie to you? The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?

Aquarius There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day Pisces Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say Aries The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep Taurus You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today Gemini Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest Cancer The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test Leo Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik Virgo All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true. Where was I? Libra A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week Scorpio Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak Sagittarius All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them) Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den Capricorn The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay) That's your horoscope for today

We all used to call him Jimmy the Geek He was a dumb-lookin', scrawny, little four-eyed freak He never used to hang around with the guys He'd just sit in the corner, attractin' the flies He wasn't much to look at He never was very bright but at least there was one thing that he could do all right That boy could dance He was kind of a jerk He was kind of a bore but the women would scream when he walked in the door 'cause one thing I could tell you for sure That boy could dance Picking teams, he would always be last He couldn't run very far, He couldn't think very fast If he was on your side, you'd always lose the guy had a problem, even tying his shoes He never passed his drivers test He was always afraid of cars and he had a complexion that resembled the surface of Mars but that boy could dance Well, his hair was a mess and his clothes didn't fit He smelled pretty bad, and he drooled just a bit but you gotta admit boy, that boy could dance Now that boy is much older he's got his own dance studio He's got a teeny bopper fan club yeah, he's got his own TV show now he owns half of Montana they all call him "Diamond Jim" and you know I'd do anything if I could be just like him 'cause that boy could dance

Well I heard that you're leavin' (leavin') Gonna leave me far behind (so far behind) 'Cause you found a brand new lover You decided that I'm not your kind (aahh..) So I pulled (I pulled) your name out (name out) of my Rolodex (oohh..) And I tore all your pictures in two And I burned down the malt shop where we used to go Just because it reminds me of you (dippity dippity doo) That's right (that's right) you ain't gonna see me cryin' I'm glad (I'm glad) that you found somebody new 'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass Than spend one more minute with you I guess I might seem kinda bitter You got me feeling down in the dumps 'Cause I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love And I have to use the self-service pumps Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase You ain't (you ain't) gonna break my heart in two 'Cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face Than spend one more minute with you I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork Than watch you going out with other men I'd rather slam my fingers in a door (yah) Again and again and again and again and again Oh, can't you see what I'm tryin' to say, Darlin... I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches (leeches) Shove an icepick under a toenail or two I'd rather clean all the bathroom in Grand Central Station with my tongue Than spend one more minute with you Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades Than spend one more minute with you I'd rather rip my heart out of my ribcage with my bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'till I die Than spend one more minute with you

I don't care If you wreck my car or shave off all my hair You can go And run your vacuum during my favorite show And I'll let you call up folks in Europe you don't even know Anything you want, babe, if it makes you happy But I'm begging you down on my bended knees Oh, honey, please don't wear those shoes You can spend my money, you can waste my time Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes Don't wear those shoes It's alright You can play your Twisted Sister every night I suppose You can lick the middle out of my oreos Or start laughing while you're drinking milk so it comes out your nose And you know I'd do anything to please you But I'm begging you down on my bended knees Oh, honey, please don't wear those shoes. You can spit in my face in you're so inclined Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes Oh, no...oh,no...oh, no, don't wear those shoes I said oh, no...oh, no...oh, no, please don't wear those... You could even shove a six-inch railroad spike through my head I can learn to live with that But now I'm begging you down on my bended knees Oh, honey, please, don't wear those shoes You can whip me, beat me, rob me blind Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those... I said oh, no...oh, no...oh, no, don't wear those shoes I said oh, no...oh, no...oh, no, don't wear those shoes You can scratch up my records, you can drink my booze But baby, please don't wear those shoes You can make me an offer I can't refuse But darling, please don't wear those shoes You can play your bongos while I'm trying to snooze But honey, please don't wear those shoes You can expose yourself on the six o' clock news But please, please don't wear those shoes

You make me wanna slam my head against the wall You make me do the limbo You make me wanna buy a slurpee at the mall You make me watch the Gong Show There's really something kinda strange about you, baby, but I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it You make me You make me You make me That's what you do to me You make me wanna hide a weasel in my shorts You make me wanna phone home You make me wanna write a dozen book reports Then pack myself in styrofoam Sometimes you make me want to build a model of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian waffles You make me You make me You make me That's what you do to me (You make me) That's what you do (You make me) That's what you do (You make me) That's what, what you do to me You make me wanna hang out in a trailer park Then take my hamster to the beach You make me wanna do my laundry in the dark And use a recommended bleach When I'm with you I don't know whether I should study neurosurgery or go to see the Care Bears movie You make me You make me You make me That's what you do to me (You make me) That's what you do (You make me) That's what you do (You make me) That's what, what you do to me That's what you do to me That's what you do to me That's what you do to me You make me wanna break the laws of time and space You make me wanna eat pork You make me wanna staple bagels to my face Then remove 'em with a pitchfork You know there's something quite unusual about you but I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it You make me You make me You make me That's what you do to me (You make me) That's what you do (You make me) That's what you do (You make me) That's what, what you do to me (You make me) That's what you do (You make me) That's what you do (You make me) That's what you do-do-do-do-do to me (You make me) That's what you do (You make me) That's what you do (You make me) That's what you do to me

I don't care about your karma I don't care about what's hip No space cadet's gonna tell me what to do I won't swim in your jacuzzi You can't make me settle down I'd rather kick and jump and bite and scratch And scream until I'm blue I may as well be hyper as long as I'm still around 'Cause I'll have lots of time to be laid back When I'm six feet underground I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead When are you cosmic cowboys Gonna get it through your heads? I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I can't stand the smell of incense I don't really like to jog No Joni Mitchell 8-tracks in my car, ooh I hate anything organic Even health food makes me sick You won't catch me sipping Perrier Down in some sushi bar, I tell you Now's the time to go for all the gusto you can grab You'll have plenty of time to be low-key When you're laid out on the slab I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead When are you cosmic cowboys Gonna get it through your heads? I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I don't want no part of that vegetarian scene I won't buy me a pair of designer jeans No redwood hot tub to my name I got all that I want and if it's all the same to you I don't need a course in self-awareness To find out who I am And I'd rather have a, a Big Mac or a Jumbo Jack Than all the bean sprouts in Japan So don't ask me what I'm into I don't need to prove I'm cool I'll break your arm if you ask me what's my sign I won't tell you where my head's at I don't need to see no shrink Psychosis may be in this year But I'm really not that kind And I'm in no hurry to be casual In fact, I think, I'll wait Until I'm pushing up the daisies Like wow, man, can you relate? I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead I'll be mellow when I'm dead

Jillian was her name She was sweeter than aspartame Her kisses reconfigured my DNA And after that I never was the same And I loved her even more Than Marlon Brando loved souffle She was gorgeous, she was charming Yeah, she was perfect in every way Except she was always using the word "infer" When she obviously meant "imply" And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing But frankly, I can't imagine why And I told her, I said "Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey? No, I don't think we are! You're close (Close) But no cigar" Then I met sweet young Janet Prettiest thing on the planet Had a body hotter than a habanjero She had lips like a ripe pomegranate And I was crazy like Manson about her She got me all choked up like Momma Cass She had a smile so incredibly radiant You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass I thought after all these years of searching around I'd found my soulmate finally But one day I found out she actually owned a copy Of Bio-Dome on DVD Oh, no. I said "Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo? No I don't think we are! You're close! (Close) Oh, so very close! (Close) But no cigar!" Julie played water polo She wore a ribbon on her left manolo She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo And she was everything I've dreamed of She moved right up to #1 on my list And did I mention she's a world famous billionare Bikini supermodel astrophysicist Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron Look like a big fat slobbering pig The only caveat is one of her earlobes Was just a little tiny bit too big I said "Hey! Are we doing government work here? No I don't think we are! You're close (Close) Yeah, yeah, you're close (Close) Yeah, honey, you're close (Close) So close ,bBut no cigar" Missed it by that much! (Close) Oh, you're close but no cigar

I was there to match my intellect on national TV Against a plumber, oh and an architect, both with a PhD I was tense, I was nervous, I guess it just wasn't my night Art Flemming gave the answers Oh, but I couldn't get the questions right-ight-ight I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh Well, I knew I was in trouble now My hope of winning sank Oh, 'cause I got the Daily Double And then my mind went blank I took Potpourri for one hundred And then my head started to spin Well, I'm given up Don Pardo Just tell me now what I didn't win, yeah, yeah I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh [Spoken] That's right Al -- you lost. And let me tell you what you didn't win: a twenty set volume of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a years supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Fransisco treat. But that's not all, you also made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people. You brought shame and disgrace to your family name for generations to come. You don't get to come back tomorrow. You don't even get a lousy copy of our home game. You're a complete loser! Don't know what I was thinkin' of I guess I just wasn't to bright Well, I sure hope I do better Next weekend on the Price Is Right-ight-ight I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh I lost on Jeopardy, baby

Nothing ever ever happens in this house Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here I thought that I would go right out of my mind Until an owl brought me the news It said I was already enrolled In a crazy magic school a thousand years old So my uncle I told, “I quit this household” And I laced up both my shoes But he said “you’re not going anywhere You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair Your aunt and I, well we really don’t care If you rot away in your room” But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised ’Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom I can't wait, no I can't wait They say I’m gonna be a sorcerer I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore On the train, I met a guy named Ron A red-headed kid and we really got along Making stuff disappear with our magic wands It was really really really really really really great Then we met this girl, Hermione Who knew every spell there is from A to Z And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately Old Malfoy showed his face Mean kid who likes to make trouble When he spots anybody related to a muggle And he calls them names, so we’re gonna burst his bubble Before this year is through Now the coach has started slowing down And I’m getting off the train and I’m looking all around And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown Can’t believe it’s coming true I can't wait, no I can't wait Hagrid open up that great big door I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor Would you look at all of Dumbledore’s stuff… He’s got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you’re feeling doomed and Potions that’ll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape’s acidic sneer and Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters I can't wait, no I can't wait I’m gonna get that evil Voldemort I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Dumbledore I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in Gryffindor I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet Voldemort

I used to be a pinball freak That's where you'd find me every week But now it's Pac-Man Yeah it's the Pac-Man I love to gobble up those dots Keep pumpin' quarters in the slots They call it Pac-Man Yeah it's the Pac-Man At the game arcade, they say I'm hard core I can play all day 'til my hands are sore And I quit my job just to play some more But I won't give up 'til I break high score Pac-Man Well it's the Pac-Man Yeah it's the Pac-Man Well it takes a lot of cash to play (Pac-Man, get the cherry) So I'm gonna sell my house today (Pac-Man, eat 'em up) I'm playin' Pac-Man Yeah it's the Pac-Man Hey mom, I won't be home this year (Pac-Man) Please forward all my mail right here (Pac-Man) I'm at the Pac-Man Yeah it's the Pac-Man And you're playing with no one but me Pac-Man

Oh my baby, my baby, she don't want me no more, Ever since she heard "Eat It" back in '84. She says the domain Weird Al dot com is quite amazing, And the way he handles his sticks really gets her heart a-racing. She likes his deep brown eyes, and his dark brown hair. Yeah, he's her favorite drummer / webmaster extraordinaire. Well, my baby's in love with Jon "Bermuda". She's all crazy 'bout that Jon "Bermuda". I asked why, she said "'Cause he's a righteous dude, duh!" 'Cause my baby's in love with Jon "Bermuda". Now every time I see him he's out shakin' hands. With a smile and a smirk, he's meet-and-greetin' the fans. What a pain in the butt to take on dual roles. Watch him keeping the tempo, and destroying the trolls. But my girl can't get enough, and it hurts my pride. 'Cause now the symbols of her love have "Zildjan" written on the side. Well, my baby's in love with Jon "Bermuda". She's got a thing for that Jon "Bermuda". I might as well pack up and hop a plane to Judah. Now my baby's in love with a- -I said, I said, I said, My baby's in love with Jon "Bermuda". Head over heels for that Jon "Bermuda". I'm a small cheese curd, and he's a hunk of Gouda. 'Cause my baby's in love with Jon "Bermuda". I knew we were headed for disaster When she played that Woodsy Owl song over her shoutcaster. Her infatuation really ain't a mystery For the web-spacing, solo-playing, fan-waving, syncopating Drummer for the single greatest cover band in history! Well I don't know how to make a tambourine jangle, And I'm not tattooed on David Rossi's ankle. And I know she thinks compared to him, I'm so lame. But I know two can play at this kind of game. Yeah, well, let's just see how jealous she'll get when… …I said, when I start stalking the keyboardist Ruben! Well, my baby's in love with Jon "Bermuda". She's all crazy 'bout that Jon "Bermuda". If I was Jar Jar Binks, I'd say "Howsa rude-a!" 'Cause my baby's in love with a- -I said, I said, I said, My baby's in love with Jon "Bermuda". Why'd she have to fall for that Jon "Bermuda". When it comes to the drums, he's the master golden Buddah. 'Cause my baby's in love with Jon "Bermuda"! May the Schwartz be with you!

Oh, I couldn't live a single day without you Actually, on second thought, well, I suppose I could Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, honey, you're the greatest Well, at any rate, I guess you're...pretty good Now, it seems to me I'm relatively lucky I know I probably couldn't ask for too much more I honestly can say you're an above-average lady You're almost just what I've been looking for You're sort of everything I ever wanted You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow You're the woman that I've always dreamed of Well, not really...but you're good enough for now You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for That's why my love for you is fairly strong And I swear I'm never gonna leave you, darlin' At least 'til something better comes along 'Cause you're sort of everything I ever wanted You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow You're the woman that I've always dreamed of Well, not really...but you're good enough for now No, not really...but you're good enough for now

Melanie What can the problem be Sweet Melanie Why won't you go out with me She lived across the street on the fifteenth floor of the Gilmore building I saw her in the shower reaching for some soap I knew she had to be the girl for me And to think I probably never would have found her If I hadn't bought that telescope Oh, Melanie What can the problem be Sweet Melanie Why won't you go out with me I just can't understand it Why won't you return my phone calls Are you still mad I gave a Mohawk to your cat If you'd just say the word I'm certain that our love would last forever and ever Or are you too dumb to realize that Melanie What can the problem be Sweet Melanie Why won't you go out with me How can you ignore me when you know that I can't live without you I have to go through your garbage just to learn more about you Melanie, ooh Oh sweet Melanie Why won't you go out with me You weren't impressed when I tattooed your name across my forehead You wouldn't listen when I promised to be true I couldn't stand it so I jumped out from the sixteenth story window Right above you Now I may be dead but I still love you Melanie What can the problem be Sweet Melanie Why won't you go out with me Melanie What can the problem be Sweet Melanie Why won't you go out with me I'm singin' Melanie What can the problem be Sweet, sweet Melanie Why won't you go out with me I'm singin' Melanie What can the problem be Sweet Melanie Why won't you go out with me I'm singin' Melanie What can the problem be Sweet Melanie Why won't you go out with me

Ever wonder what it’s like in Al’s band? Kind of complicated but we’ll tell you what we can Lots of people ask us what goes on in Al’s band This is our song and we’ll start where we began Back in the beginning before we started Al sent songs to Doctor Demento Then met Jon who played the drums and then He said “we should start a band“ That was the moment the fun began They met Steve and he became the bass man He knew Jim who played guitar and then Al had his band Early on we did a show with Missing Persons Playing our best but got boo’d by their fans We cut our first album in three days After that we knew what to do We hit the road on tour and then we were on our way Happy to be playing our music for you Then before we knew it, we’d started something We got to make our second album That’s when Eat It was a hit and went gold And it changed everything We had a tour bus at our command We dared to be stupid on plastic bovines With ice cream pressed against our foreheads Johnny Carson asked if we would play polkas on his tv show We got some help from the Tonite Show band Polka Party came and went Featuring Christmas At Ground Zero And it didn’t chart for too long But it had some great songs Then we joined a tour with the Monkees Going on the road with Mickey Dave and Pete was neat Even worse the album where we did the fat song We were too thin to be in the video UHF was next we played the film score After that we found our keyboard man “I am Ruben how do you do?” We took him in and put him in a cone bra Now he plays piano and he also plays it cool Then we went, and jumped off of the deep end And reached nirvana And then came Alapalooza Wearing our horns and silver paint just like the Chili Peppers do Or did, when we made the Bedrock video Canada was next in line for Al’s band That was where we learned how to say Saskatchewan We were getting popular outside our native land That opened the door to a world full of fans So we went to OZ and to New Zealand When we did bad hair day, the Amish video We were outstanding in our field Then we all went, running with the scissors The saga began and it was more than All about, pentiums We were featured on The Simpsons as animated characters An honor for all of us Never get, tired of playing in Al’s band So much fun to play all the styles that we do How about a solo from the drummer of the band Take it now Bermuda don’t make it too bland “I’ll add percussion to lend a hand” Poodle Hat was different, with Couch Potato Our first single without a video But the coup de grace was Genius In France It was tres magnifique Al and the band were so very proud People ask us what it’s like in Al’s band What it’s like to be in Mr. Yankovich’s band Then we tell them that it’s Mr. Yankovic’s band Not a ch the c sounds just like a k Straight Outta Lynwood we hit top ten White And Nerdy went platinum too We really hope that someday we might do it again If we do we know that it’s all thanks to you All thank you’s to you And you’re welcome too Come and see us play when you can Then you can see for yourself what is Making all of this happen You’re the reason why we play Haven’t told you everything we do We’ll have to save it for part two There’s so much to talk about with Al’s band Pardon us for rambling it went longer than we planned That’s a little bit of what it’s like in Al’s band This is our song come and see us when you can One big happy family right here in Al’s band Now that we’ve told you we hope you understand Why we love to play in Mister Yankovic’s band This is our song come and see us if you can